Well, it's been a while!
A lot has happened since that beginning post. My sister passed away from breast cancer in 2015, and my father passed away (COPD) in 2016. So, with Mom gone, that leaves two brothers from my childhood family with whom I'm not in a great deal of contact. I feel the emptiness of their loss especially whenever a child reaches a milestone I wish I could share with them.
I had what I'd call a typical childhood; some hard times, some sad times, but mostly really pleasant memories. I took it all for granted while living it, of course. In hindsight, I can see how blessed I really was. And am! Now I'm trying hard to recreate the blessedness of that childhood for my own children, while making new memories with my own family. I think, with God's help, we are managing to do this fairly well.
One of the things I've realized as God has brought me deeper and deeper into His will, is that life lived to the fullest cannot happen if we live in fear. So many of our hang-ups come from fear of the future, fear of loss. So much of Christ's teaching in scripture revolves around letting go of our fears, and trusting that His will for our lives is not to harm us, but to bring us hope and a future. Even if His will goes against what our limited human reasoning proclaims is a "good life".
So, in that vein, and because we believe we have heard God clearly on this matter, my husband and I are going to remain open to life, to the possibility of more children. Even though I have passed my "quota" of two and a half kids (I have five), and even though I'm 44 years old. The fears of loss are still there, in the background. Especially as I went through a rather trauma-filled miscarriage at 16 weeks shortly after my father died. But overshadowing those fears is a deep hope in God's goodness and providence, no matter what this life seems to bring. I know, deep in my soul, that this is the most fruitful thing I could offer myself up to in this life. And this is what I am doing... offering myself up in His will.
This is my body, broken for Him.
